i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
