I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
