Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
