Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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