I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
