Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
