dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
