God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
