He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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