Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
