So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
