Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
