The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
