You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
