There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
