I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
