So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
