i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
