I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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