update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Come see our sink grown plant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
