Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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