Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
