Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I cut my penus on the lid.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
