I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize