Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
