She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
