She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Enjoy the penises
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
