i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
