you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize