Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
