Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
