this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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