it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
