all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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