and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
