And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize