Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
