Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
