Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
