Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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