the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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