I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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