i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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