so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
