Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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