I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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