wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
