I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
