did you get engaged???
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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