Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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