dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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