Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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