I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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