Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
