You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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