Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
