also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
