I want to walk on stilts...naked
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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